Torture

September 15, 2009

I try to identify the source of my anxiety in what we have, this incalculable thing that has sprung up between us.

Maybe it is the calibre of his words? Yes, his words are his ammunition, and I am slain.

No. That doesn’t work. Let’s try again.

His words are the sun. I am blinded. I am burnt. I am… nicely tanned and it’s time to turn over?

No, no, no!

This is it, the source of my anguish. His words, his words, they crash into me, they cudgel, they caress me, they craze me, they coerce me. I feel helpless, hapless, hurt. I’m overwhelmed, blissfully so, and I can’t fight back because he has everything, and I have nothing. The words are his, never mine, given but not received. They turn me on, they arouse me, they pull me in, I drown in them, but they are never mine.

Au contraire. My words, mine, les miens, are nothing, become meaningless and empty in response, because of, in reaction to. His. I’m left verbally naked.

And craving more. Words.

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Combustion

November 7, 2007

Dear You,

I understand through the word on the street (okay, not the street, more like word on the screen) that you have a choice to make. Can’t be easy for you. Oh! It is? Ah, yes, now I see. So right. Really, it’s black and white. No — red and white. Let’s look at the options.

White first. Bright, pure, smooth, easy. Yes, easy. The clean light surface of the water. Barely a ripple is visible. Make this choice for peace, for quiet. Beneath the surface? Nothing. Nothing is living there. Why would you want to see beneath when the surface is so nice, so calm, so cool; you can see your own visage reflected there. You’ll never need another mirror — just look and have your anxieties, your fears, your nervousness relieved and extinguished.

The other choice won’t work for you. Red is deep, and hot, and full of life and vitality. It would disturb your equanimity, such a bad idea. You might become overheated, overexcited. You would risk great despair and deception. Yes, you would also earn the opportunity for great joy and passion. Overall, though, such extremes will just worry you. Those flashes of blinding light, screaming chaos… they are not for you. You need a pillowed landing, not fire, and lust, and, heaven forbid, depth.

There is only one possibility for you, for You. Opt for ease and security. Cruise to the end in safety and security. Really. It’s your only choice. If I were you, or like you, I would probably do the same. Probably. The chance at extraordinary joy is never worth the risk of bursting into flame. Is it?

Best wishes and good luck.

B